I’ve got a new passion that is about the coolest thing ever. I have become a hand grenadist. It’s pretty new and I’m on the leading edge of this craze. I think by summer it’ll be more popular than those hoverboard things that ignite in people’s houses. That’s pretty cool, too, but it ain’t nothing like tossing an iron egg and waiting for the payoff.
There’s a few of us on the vanguard and we call ourselves bangers. We have a magazine called BOOM! It’s just quarterly now, but we have plans. I’ve been in touch with some major periodical publishing firms and I think a big deal is just around the corner. We bangers meet monthly and one of the main items on our agenda is public perception. There’s a negative connotation with grenades so we’ve discussed changing the name from grenade to personal intense explosive, or PIE. Who doesn’t like pie?
One of our members works in a lawyer’s office and she says there’s nothing in the wording of the Second Amendment that prevents us from owning and tossing grenades. It’s our right. Best part is we’re all purists, in the movement only because we love grenades. So, our cause won’t be sullied by sportsmen or hunters and their annoying lobby. Don’t get me wrong, you can hunt with a grenade but only, like, if you’re making stew. So, we’re a pretty exclusive group right now.
Another issue we have is finding a place to pursue our pastime. In the last meeting one banger had a brilliant idea. He suggested we could use abandoned houses in impoverished neighborhoods for target practice, leveling them and saving the local government the cost of demolition. We’re still looking for a municipality progressive enough to give us the go ahead. Someone suggested Flint, Michigan, which I think is a brilliant idea. (Okay, I was the one who suggested it.)
We also discussed how we need to make grenading sexier. None of us bangers have a problem feeling frisky when the shrapnel’s flying or with being aroused by the cold khaki pineapple of a good grenade, but we understand that to attract others we might need to add to the aesthetics of our fetish. So we discussed (after another revelation by yours truly) the development of designer PIEs maybe named for famous people, like the Poof Daddy, the Big Bang Affleck, the Gwyneth Kapow and the J. Lo. Laid Low. We could use carbon fiber accents and other cool stuff. I thought maybe one of them could be decorated with 100,000 Swarovski crystals, which would certainly add to the sexy factor. I emailed someone at Swarovski but their server must be down or something because no reply yet. I hope they’re not stealing my idea. I’m kicking myself because I forgot to patent it. Another banger said we could just mount a single big crystal on a PIE and when it was detonated millions of little crystals would be produced. We all liked that idea, but someone else said the little crystals might be hard to appreciate when they’re scattered all over and anyway the idea was to make the PIE sexy before using it.
So, we’re a pretty active group with lots of energy. One guy is writing the cover story for the next issue of BOOM! He’s comparing good ol’ Merkan grenades, such as the type favored by Sgt. Rock, with stick grenades as historically used by fascists and commies. There will be a sidebar on the Molotov cocktail, not, strictly speaking, a grenade, but still lots of fun to throw.
We did read a rumor on the internet that the Canadian military was thinking of switching to the stick grenade after running some super top secret tests somewhere in the Yukon. Reportedly, the Canucks will take an initial order of 55 stick-type ordinances and then double its arsenal by 2020. So, there may be something to stiffies after all.
We meet the third Monday of every month at a different member’s house each time. Nothing we’re doing is illegal, but I’m sure there’s ways around it if any trouble pops up or blows up. See what I did there? It’s that kind of stuff that got me nominated as chief humorist of BOOM!
I encourage you to start a banger chapter in your own town. It’s really rewarding and you can’t ever tell which one of your neighbors, friends or even a stranger might want to bang with you.